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But let’s take a step back.īlack Mesa is a fan-made remake of the seminal 90’s PC shooter, narrative action game tentpole and all around ball of chunky cuddles Half-Life, made in the Half-Life 2 Source engine. Which is all anyone should expect, since they’ve been polishing it for so fucking long there’s a six inch layer of crystallised Mr. “Hey, the enemy soldiers seem a bit too accurate-” “EARLY ACCESS!” “Oh for fuck’s sake.” And now I’m roundly miffed to see that the release version of Black Mesa is really fucking polished. “Hey, where are the Xen levels?” “EARLY ACCESS!” Hssssss. Back when I first played Black Mesa in those wonderful days before all sense left the Earth I had tons of shit to critic about but they kept throwing up the early access card like a crucifix to a vampire. As a critic this has been a right pinecone up my perineum. I assume they’ve been waiting until the kitschy retro factor kicks in since they missed the first chance to strike while the panty was wet. Black Mesa was announced fifteen years ago and been in early access for five. Plus it leads to situations like when I half-arsedly reviewed Fortnite while it was still in twirly axis, little realising it would soon become the world’s third most popular form of human communication.īut now I have a new problem, because sometimes games stay in early access the whole time they’re in the popular Zeitgeist so by the time I review it no one cares and have all moved onto John Madden’s Felching Simulator 2020. I made a vow to stop reviewing games that are still in oily excess because anything I criticise can get fixed before the final release and then my review just has to dangle there from the internet looking all wrong and stupid like a decent human being in a Republican controlled Senate. Some day, indie games, you and I are going to have to draw up a little constitution and decide how long is too long to be in early fucking access. This week in Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee reviews Black Mesa.